7 Easy ways to build Trust
Trust is key to any good relationship. “Social animals have evolved to form circles of safety where members of the tribe, herd, and family feel safe and like they belong. The natural response to feeling safe amongst our own is trust and cooperation.” - expert on social leadership; Simon Sinek
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Trust is a two way street and you cannot teach trust or simply instruct to your dog that they should trust you. Trust must be earned.
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Being ‘the pack leader’ will not earn you trust. The whole Alpha/pack leader thing that you hear about is built on a myth that has long since been disproven and it’s beyond me as to why it’s still taught in 2020, when we have learnt an incredible amount of evidence backed by science, behind dog behaviour and learning. But that’s a topic of discussion for another day.
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I just love this quote from a wolf behaviour expert Rick McIntyre, who had spent years studying free living wolves in Yellowstone National Park, that exemplifies the behaviour of what a real ‘pack leader’ should be:
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The main characteristic of an alpha male wolf,” Rick says, “is a quiet confidence, quiet self-assurance. You know what you want to do; you know what’s best for the pack. You’re very comfortable with that. You have a calming effect. Point is, alpha males are surprisingly nonaggressive, because they don’t need to be.”
― Carl Safina, Beyond Words: What Animals Think and Feel
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In other words a leader is trusted because they are calm and confident, they role model to others, how to behave in any given situation through their own behaviour and they put the safety of their group above all else!
⠀
Trust is a two way street and you cannot teach trust or simply instruct to your dog that they should trust you. Trust must be earned.
⠀
Being ‘the pack leader’ will not earn you trust. The whole Alpha/pack leader thing that you hear about is built on a myth that has long since been disproven and it’s beyond me as to why it’s still taught in 2020, when we have learnt an incredible amount of evidence backed by science, behind dog behaviour and learning. But that’s a topic of discussion for another day.
⠀
I just love this quote from a wolf behaviour expert Rick McIntyre, who had spent years studying free living wolves in Yellowstone National Park, that exemplifies the behaviour of what a real ‘pack leader’ should be:
⠀
The main characteristic of an alpha male wolf,” Rick says, “is a quiet confidence, quiet self-assurance. You know what you want to do; you know what’s best for the pack. You’re very comfortable with that. You have a calming effect. Point is, alpha males are surprisingly nonaggressive, because they don’t need to be.”
― Carl Safina, Beyond Words: What Animals Think and Feel
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In other words a leader is trusted because they are calm and confident, they role model to others, how to behave in any given situation through their own behaviour and they put the safety of their group above all else!
Trust Tip #1
Your probably wondering why work on trust when all you want is a dog that listens better.
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Well that’s exactly where trust is 💯 % necessary to achieve that dream. If your dog doesn’t trust you, no amount of training will matter.
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If a coworker you didn’t particularly like or respect, asked you to do something you didn’t want to do, would you do it?
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Now if a friend who you trust asks you to do something to help them out and you had other things planned that day but you don’t want to let them down. You cancel your plans right, anything for a friend that you respect and value! Well it works exactly the same for our dogs.
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Trust tip #1: wait for your dog to offer attention.
Instead of always calling your dog for no reason, calling them away from things that are fun, waiting till their not paying attention to “test their recall” etc
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Instead wait for them to already be seeking you out and call them, for no reason at all, except to share a special moment. A moment of connection because you both want to.
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This builds trust because our dog notices we are being attentive to them for a change. We aren’t just demanding they do something for us. It has a different spin on it. They really enjoy this kind of attention and we even made it feel like it was their idea in the first place. (And really it was, they wanted it all along, a heartfelt connection)
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This video below gives you one example how I do this in our daily life, I wait till my dog is done sniffing and exploring and she notices me observing her with a smile on my face and I call her for a loving cuddle.
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If your dog is really distracted outside, that’s ok too! Start inside where it’s easy when your dog is right there. Your not going to fix all the mistakes you have made outside with recalls and training by starting outside.
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The most important thing is not to have an expectation of a behaviour, your just making a connection and if they choose to ignore you, that’s completely fine too. After all we’re not working on a formal recall on command here. We’re working on building a bond through trust!
⠀
Well that’s exactly where trust is 💯 % necessary to achieve that dream. If your dog doesn’t trust you, no amount of training will matter.
⠀
If a coworker you didn’t particularly like or respect, asked you to do something you didn’t want to do, would you do it?
⠀
Now if a friend who you trust asks you to do something to help them out and you had other things planned that day but you don’t want to let them down. You cancel your plans right, anything for a friend that you respect and value! Well it works exactly the same for our dogs.
⠀
Trust tip #1: wait for your dog to offer attention.
Instead of always calling your dog for no reason, calling them away from things that are fun, waiting till their not paying attention to “test their recall” etc
⠀
Instead wait for them to already be seeking you out and call them, for no reason at all, except to share a special moment. A moment of connection because you both want to.
⠀
This builds trust because our dog notices we are being attentive to them for a change. We aren’t just demanding they do something for us. It has a different spin on it. They really enjoy this kind of attention and we even made it feel like it was their idea in the first place. (And really it was, they wanted it all along, a heartfelt connection)
⠀
This video below gives you one example how I do this in our daily life, I wait till my dog is done sniffing and exploring and she notices me observing her with a smile on my face and I call her for a loving cuddle.
⠀
If your dog is really distracted outside, that’s ok too! Start inside where it’s easy when your dog is right there. Your not going to fix all the mistakes you have made outside with recalls and training by starting outside.
⠀
The most important thing is not to have an expectation of a behaviour, your just making a connection and if they choose to ignore you, that’s completely fine too. After all we’re not working on a formal recall on command here. We’re working on building a bond through trust!
Trust tip #2
If your not sure if your dog can do it. Don’t ask!
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Your dog doesn’t learn better when your repeat cues or make them repeat something over and over.
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When your dog ignores a cue, there’s a reason. Repeating your cue ignores that reason. It’s kinda like saying I don’t care, just do it anyway, it shows them we don’t respect them.
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Sometimes it’s because they don’t understand, sometimes we didn’t teach it properly, sometimes their anxious or not feeling well, maybe the place your asking it in makes them feel uncomfortable because it’s too busy or it’s too hot.
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If we make an effort to only ask our dog to do something when we are almost certain that they will do it, we show them we are listening, we show them we are responsible for our behaviour and it makes us think twice before blurting out commands.
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It may seem counter intuitive but this actually not only increases trust but also if we stick to this principle, our dogs become more comfortable doing the thing we ask and get better at responding, as long as we have taken into account their comfort in their surroundings.
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This also ties into tip #1 and can be used very effective together. If your dogs not already paying attention to you, for a lot of dogs this highly decreases the probability that they will respond to something like sit or come. However if you wait till their paying attention first and can see they are genuinely interested in engaging with you in that moment, because you have been making an effort to connect with them more often on a real level not just for a treat, then your likely to have success asking them to do something.
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To get your dogs attention you can use things like quick movement away from them, patting your leg, a fun sound like a kissy noise or commenting playfully on something they are doing.
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Personally I don’t just practice cues for fun, I use them in daily life in real situations where I might need my dog to do something, like hold at the door way. I never drill my dog and have them repeat cues over and over, this causes frustration and disinterest in engaging with us as well as frenzied over arousal.
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Your dog doesn’t learn better when your repeat cues or make them repeat something over and over.
⠀
When your dog ignores a cue, there’s a reason. Repeating your cue ignores that reason. It’s kinda like saying I don’t care, just do it anyway, it shows them we don’t respect them.
⠀
Sometimes it’s because they don’t understand, sometimes we didn’t teach it properly, sometimes their anxious or not feeling well, maybe the place your asking it in makes them feel uncomfortable because it’s too busy or it’s too hot.
⠀
If we make an effort to only ask our dog to do something when we are almost certain that they will do it, we show them we are listening, we show them we are responsible for our behaviour and it makes us think twice before blurting out commands.
⠀
It may seem counter intuitive but this actually not only increases trust but also if we stick to this principle, our dogs become more comfortable doing the thing we ask and get better at responding, as long as we have taken into account their comfort in their surroundings.
⠀
This also ties into tip #1 and can be used very effective together. If your dogs not already paying attention to you, for a lot of dogs this highly decreases the probability that they will respond to something like sit or come. However if you wait till their paying attention first and can see they are genuinely interested in engaging with you in that moment, because you have been making an effort to connect with them more often on a real level not just for a treat, then your likely to have success asking them to do something.
⠀
To get your dogs attention you can use things like quick movement away from them, patting your leg, a fun sound like a kissy noise or commenting playfully on something they are doing.
⠀
Personally I don’t just practice cues for fun, I use them in daily life in real situations where I might need my dog to do something, like hold at the door way. I never drill my dog and have them repeat cues over and over, this causes frustration and disinterest in engaging with us as well as frenzied over arousal.
Trust tip #3
Never pull your dog!
Whattt ⁉️⁉️How is this even possible you ask with a gasp 😮
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Well it totally is and it’s a big reason your struggling to walk your dog on leash.
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Dogs pull on leash for many reasons and we can’t expect them to just stop pulling but we can absolutely stop our end of the pulling as it plays a big part in our dog’s resistance to want to walk with us politely. A dog has a natural uncontrolled response to pull when it feels tension on the leash.
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Also dogs naturally want to check everything out and be everywhere all at once, think about the influx of scents pouring into their noses at anyone time and being on leash lets face it is boring for them.
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When we try to pull them away from every thing, we are kinda being rude jerks and not respecting their needs.
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So they in turn loose trust in us to guide them and take it upon them selves to make decisions and forget about us being on the end of the leash.
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What we can do instead of pulling, is stop and rebalance. Get close to them, take a breath and refocus them without having to pull them, this brings both your cortisol levels down and helps them reconnect with you instead of disconnecting further, which is what happens when you yank on their leash.
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When we are gentle and patient with the leash, it shows them we are listening to their needs, we are being fair and respectful.
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As you can see from the video below I don’t just let him drag me to every smell, that would be dangerous and impractical, there needs to be some guidance, so we can learn to walk together and both enjoy the walk. I do allow dogs to sniff at their leisure as long as they don’t pull my arm off in the process, this fulfills their needs.
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You see me use my body language, my calm energy and intention as to which direction we’re going to go together. I never force him, I invite him, I am clear and I do not hesitate. Remember good leaders know what’s best for the group and they lead with a quiet confidence!
⠀
Using these simple gentle techniques will help your trust and connection grow. Your dog is going to feel the change in you, the fact that your now working with them and not against them.
Whattt ⁉️⁉️How is this even possible you ask with a gasp 😮
⠀
Well it totally is and it’s a big reason your struggling to walk your dog on leash.
⠀
Dogs pull on leash for many reasons and we can’t expect them to just stop pulling but we can absolutely stop our end of the pulling as it plays a big part in our dog’s resistance to want to walk with us politely. A dog has a natural uncontrolled response to pull when it feels tension on the leash.
⠀
Also dogs naturally want to check everything out and be everywhere all at once, think about the influx of scents pouring into their noses at anyone time and being on leash lets face it is boring for them.
⠀
When we try to pull them away from every thing, we are kinda being rude jerks and not respecting their needs.
⠀
So they in turn loose trust in us to guide them and take it upon them selves to make decisions and forget about us being on the end of the leash.
⠀
What we can do instead of pulling, is stop and rebalance. Get close to them, take a breath and refocus them without having to pull them, this brings both your cortisol levels down and helps them reconnect with you instead of disconnecting further, which is what happens when you yank on their leash.
⠀
When we are gentle and patient with the leash, it shows them we are listening to their needs, we are being fair and respectful.
⠀
As you can see from the video below I don’t just let him drag me to every smell, that would be dangerous and impractical, there needs to be some guidance, so we can learn to walk together and both enjoy the walk. I do allow dogs to sniff at their leisure as long as they don’t pull my arm off in the process, this fulfills their needs.
⠀
You see me use my body language, my calm energy and intention as to which direction we’re going to go together. I never force him, I invite him, I am clear and I do not hesitate. Remember good leaders know what’s best for the group and they lead with a quiet confidence!
⠀
Using these simple gentle techniques will help your trust and connection grow. Your dog is going to feel the change in you, the fact that your now working with them and not against them.
Trust tip #4
Listen to your dog 👂 🐕
All your dogs behaviour is communication, listening to it as feedback rather then assuming they are being naughty or misbehaving means we can make better decisions and help support our dogs needs rather then simply trying to suppress a behaviour.
For example when your lunges or growls at other dogs or people, this is communication. They are telling us loud and clear they do not feel comfortable around dogs or people and it has nothing to do with needing more leash training.
More exposure to dog’s and walks downtown around people and telling them to behave or heel is not going to change their behaviour, it only shows your dog, your not listening and their feelings don’t matter.
Listening means understanding their just uncomfortable and instead taking them for walks in quiet places, at quieter times of day, making adjustments to your routine to lower your dogs stress levels so they can enjoy their walks with you, this will also build their confidence and trust in you!
Another common one is taking your dog somewhere or to do an activity and they bark at everything and everyone. Again this is communication, maybe it’s too arousing for them, maybe they are anxious.
Listening means not just telling them to be quiet and deal with it, this will not have any effect on their behaviour and neither will taking them to these places over and over and telling them to sit every time they bark.
Listening means we understand this is too hard for them and we stop taking them to those places or that activity that elicits the unwanted behaviour. This doesn’t mean forever, but your not going to make any progress when your dog is in that state, their cortisol is through the roof! They are in no state for learning and it’s not their fault, they aren’t being disobedient if they ignore a cue from us.
Listening means accepting our dogs might not be capable of going everywhere with us and being ok with that. With time and building trust you might be able to return to these things but forcing your dog to deal with it won’t get the dream dog you always hoped for. It will however leak all your dogs trust in you.
All your dogs behaviour is communication, listening to it as feedback rather then assuming they are being naughty or misbehaving means we can make better decisions and help support our dogs needs rather then simply trying to suppress a behaviour.
For example when your lunges or growls at other dogs or people, this is communication. They are telling us loud and clear they do not feel comfortable around dogs or people and it has nothing to do with needing more leash training.
More exposure to dog’s and walks downtown around people and telling them to behave or heel is not going to change their behaviour, it only shows your dog, your not listening and their feelings don’t matter.
Listening means understanding their just uncomfortable and instead taking them for walks in quiet places, at quieter times of day, making adjustments to your routine to lower your dogs stress levels so they can enjoy their walks with you, this will also build their confidence and trust in you!
Another common one is taking your dog somewhere or to do an activity and they bark at everything and everyone. Again this is communication, maybe it’s too arousing for them, maybe they are anxious.
Listening means not just telling them to be quiet and deal with it, this will not have any effect on their behaviour and neither will taking them to these places over and over and telling them to sit every time they bark.
Listening means we understand this is too hard for them and we stop taking them to those places or that activity that elicits the unwanted behaviour. This doesn’t mean forever, but your not going to make any progress when your dog is in that state, their cortisol is through the roof! They are in no state for learning and it’s not their fault, they aren’t being disobedient if they ignore a cue from us.
Listening means accepting our dogs might not be capable of going everywhere with us and being ok with that. With time and building trust you might be able to return to these things but forcing your dog to deal with it won’t get the dream dog you always hoped for. It will however leak all your dogs trust in you.
Trust tip #5
Ask for consent wherever possible!
Asking for consent from our dogs gives them agency and control over what happens to them and this is a right that all living beings should have.
Giving our dogs the freedom and agency to choose and give consent, will open up doors in your relationship that you never knew existed.
It is one of the most empowering things we can do for our dogs, to show them we can be trusted.
Asking for consent means taking the time to not only ask and observe our dogs body language but also respecting their choice when they say no.
We can’t always give our dogs a choice but in many situations we can and in the times we can’t for safety or urgency, it is then we step up and get the job done but still in the gentlest, kindest way possible.
There are so many opportunities in our day to begin working on consent from clipping on a leash, to putting on a collar, to touching our dogs, to grooming and nail cutting.
If your dog says no thanks, just wait a moment, give them time to adjust to the environment and the situation and take the pressure off them, then ask again. If they still say no, we can explain to them for example in the case of putting on a harness, “I know the harness isn’t your favourite thing but you do need it to go for a walk and I really would love to enjoy a walk together , so come on let’s do it together and we can head out, what do you say?”
In many cases the dog will feel our intention is pure and genuine and they really do want to go for a walk and they will then give you consent. It doesn’t mean the dog now loves the harness but they know it’s gotta be done. Taking the drama out of uncomfortable situations helps a lot.
I am not a fan of luring the dog to do something with a treat, this does not lead to trust but it’s ok to give a treat afterwards to show your appreciation for their cooperation.
This is a longer video as I wanted to show you a few helpful tips. Watch right to the end for tips on nail cutting and grooming. Please note: these are tips that will work for some dogs and not for others who show fear and aggression as this is beyond the scope of this video.
Asking for consent from our dogs gives them agency and control over what happens to them and this is a right that all living beings should have.
Giving our dogs the freedom and agency to choose and give consent, will open up doors in your relationship that you never knew existed.
It is one of the most empowering things we can do for our dogs, to show them we can be trusted.
Asking for consent means taking the time to not only ask and observe our dogs body language but also respecting their choice when they say no.
We can’t always give our dogs a choice but in many situations we can and in the times we can’t for safety or urgency, it is then we step up and get the job done but still in the gentlest, kindest way possible.
There are so many opportunities in our day to begin working on consent from clipping on a leash, to putting on a collar, to touching our dogs, to grooming and nail cutting.
If your dog says no thanks, just wait a moment, give them time to adjust to the environment and the situation and take the pressure off them, then ask again. If they still say no, we can explain to them for example in the case of putting on a harness, “I know the harness isn’t your favourite thing but you do need it to go for a walk and I really would love to enjoy a walk together , so come on let’s do it together and we can head out, what do you say?”
In many cases the dog will feel our intention is pure and genuine and they really do want to go for a walk and they will then give you consent. It doesn’t mean the dog now loves the harness but they know it’s gotta be done. Taking the drama out of uncomfortable situations helps a lot.
I am not a fan of luring the dog to do something with a treat, this does not lead to trust but it’s ok to give a treat afterwards to show your appreciation for their cooperation.
This is a longer video as I wanted to show you a few helpful tips. Watch right to the end for tips on nail cutting and grooming. Please note: these are tips that will work for some dogs and not for others who show fear and aggression as this is beyond the scope of this video.
Trust tip #6
Get real with your dog❗️
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Dogs are incredibly intelligent and sentient beings. They know when we are lying and they don’t appreciate when we are being fake with them.
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Being 💯% real, honest and genuine is the pathway to deep trust and a strong bond 💪
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Here’s a few areas we can work on earning trust through just being a real human being.
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Never try to trick your dog by using a lure or a fake promise of a car ride or treat to get them inside or away from other dogs. It will only work a few times before they figure it out. Then it’s going to leak out into many areas, where your dog won’t come back when you call or won’t do the thing you want them to do.
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Use better management instead and prevent these situations where your dog won’t do the thing we need them to do.
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Don’t lie to your dog. Their senses and non verbal communication skills are beyond our comprehension and they know when your not being honest about something because they can feel our intentions and sense when our words don’t match what we’re really feeling inside.
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Don’t turn everything into a training session, dogs need to experience life on a real level and experience us on a real level.
⠀
We can teach them what we do and don’t like by verbally expressing our selves genuinely and honestly, giving heartfelt praise when they do something we love and explaining calmly but firmly when they cross a boundary or do something that is unsafe.
⠀
We do not need to yell or touch our dog’s to get this information across, this leads to distrust and destroys confidence.
⠀
If we only ever engage with our dogs or try to teach them something when we have treats or a toy on us, then your dog will come to expect that’s just how life works and if you don’t have those things, I guess you got nothing else to offer.
⠀
Dogs need to feel a real connection,
so treat them like an intelligent being, talk to them like you would a friend or a child and express real genuine feelings and emotions, not fake praise and fake motivational lines like a salesman.
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Dog’s are repelled by this behaviour and often only tolerate it because we have a treat or ball or offer.
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Just be the real you!
⠀
Dogs are incredibly intelligent and sentient beings. They know when we are lying and they don’t appreciate when we are being fake with them.
⠀
Being 💯% real, honest and genuine is the pathway to deep trust and a strong bond 💪
⠀
Here’s a few areas we can work on earning trust through just being a real human being.
⠀
Never try to trick your dog by using a lure or a fake promise of a car ride or treat to get them inside or away from other dogs. It will only work a few times before they figure it out. Then it’s going to leak out into many areas, where your dog won’t come back when you call or won’t do the thing you want them to do.
⠀
Use better management instead and prevent these situations where your dog won’t do the thing we need them to do.
⠀
Don’t lie to your dog. Their senses and non verbal communication skills are beyond our comprehension and they know when your not being honest about something because they can feel our intentions and sense when our words don’t match what we’re really feeling inside.
⠀
Don’t turn everything into a training session, dogs need to experience life on a real level and experience us on a real level.
⠀
We can teach them what we do and don’t like by verbally expressing our selves genuinely and honestly, giving heartfelt praise when they do something we love and explaining calmly but firmly when they cross a boundary or do something that is unsafe.
⠀
We do not need to yell or touch our dog’s to get this information across, this leads to distrust and destroys confidence.
⠀
If we only ever engage with our dogs or try to teach them something when we have treats or a toy on us, then your dog will come to expect that’s just how life works and if you don’t have those things, I guess you got nothing else to offer.
⠀
Dogs need to feel a real connection,
so treat them like an intelligent being, talk to them like you would a friend or a child and express real genuine feelings and emotions, not fake praise and fake motivational lines like a salesman.
⠀
Dog’s are repelled by this behaviour and often only tolerate it because we have a treat or ball or offer.
⠀
Just be the real you!
Trust tip #7
Be present with your pup!
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Being present allows us to connect with our dogs on a deeper level, as they live in the current moment, not the future or the past.
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Being present means we can assess situations and make better decisions to prevent unwanted behaviours and to keep our dogs safe and comfortable and meet their needs, and this all leads to a trusting relationship.
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When out on walks, leave the phone alone. Be there on the walk with your dog, connect, engage, enjoy the fresh air and the adventure together. Don’t fill your mind with work or things that have happened on previous walks or things that could go wrong. Enjoy the now!
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Being present on walks means we can avoid bad interactions with other dog’s and people because we can get our dog’s attention or put them on leash before those things happen.
⠀
When we allow our dog to charge up to people or dogs and they have a bad experience or jump on them, we often blame the dog, but the dog doesn’t want to do these things and it’s our fault for allowing it to occur.
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Being the trusting leader that our dog needs means keeping them out of these situations and putting their need for safety first! This leads to trust.
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Being present at home means not trying to multitask. Your dog wants your full undivided attention, so pick one thing and do it well and be fully present.
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Dogs don’t need hours and hours of endless fun and engagement, they actually need short bursts of full engagement, followed by periods of rest. Dogs need 16-20h of sleep a day, depending on their age.
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If you spend your time multitasking and not being fully present with your dog , your dog will keep asking for more and more ball play and more attention because their needs have not been met and they are likely spending their days over aroused! Meeting your dogs needs is essential for trust!
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Being present also means fully accepting and loving the dog you have today, not trying to fix them as if they are broken and hoping they will one day be this perfect dog.
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The dog you have now is perfect and the one we should love unconditionally and thank them each day for being who they are!
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Being present allows us to connect with our dogs on a deeper level, as they live in the current moment, not the future or the past.
⠀
Being present means we can assess situations and make better decisions to prevent unwanted behaviours and to keep our dogs safe and comfortable and meet their needs, and this all leads to a trusting relationship.
⠀
When out on walks, leave the phone alone. Be there on the walk with your dog, connect, engage, enjoy the fresh air and the adventure together. Don’t fill your mind with work or things that have happened on previous walks or things that could go wrong. Enjoy the now!
⠀
Being present on walks means we can avoid bad interactions with other dog’s and people because we can get our dog’s attention or put them on leash before those things happen.
⠀
When we allow our dog to charge up to people or dogs and they have a bad experience or jump on them, we often blame the dog, but the dog doesn’t want to do these things and it’s our fault for allowing it to occur.
⠀
Being the trusting leader that our dog needs means keeping them out of these situations and putting their need for safety first! This leads to trust.
⠀
Being present at home means not trying to multitask. Your dog wants your full undivided attention, so pick one thing and do it well and be fully present.
⠀
Dogs don’t need hours and hours of endless fun and engagement, they actually need short bursts of full engagement, followed by periods of rest. Dogs need 16-20h of sleep a day, depending on their age.
⠀
If you spend your time multitasking and not being fully present with your dog , your dog will keep asking for more and more ball play and more attention because their needs have not been met and they are likely spending their days over aroused! Meeting your dogs needs is essential for trust!
⠀
Being present also means fully accepting and loving the dog you have today, not trying to fix them as if they are broken and hoping they will one day be this perfect dog.
⠀
The dog you have now is perfect and the one we should love unconditionally and thank them each day for being who they are!